confab

LOVE 1

She looked at his face for some moments. Several emotions came there, on her face and in her eyes. He stood fixed but perplexed. Sometimes there is no way out. She took a deep breathe and turned to her left. After going a few paces she stopped. As if something stopped her. There was some restlessness in her. Some conflict. Feelings are the strangest creatures inhabiting the world that we in our scientific age call individual mind. The duality of heart and mind was the golden age of incomprehensibly intense and consuming romances. Now is the time of mind’s monopoly. And what limbs will follow if mind itself is confused. She had to say something. She did not want to say. She did not have the words. She was not able to frame her ideas. Or she was just apprehensive if she could express her feelings without slipping into incomprehensibility. Poverty of language, tyranny of mind. There was a time when lovers could submerge into each other, revelling in the same universe of nothingness where feelings were shared not exchanged. Now mind holds the reign of an individual world that has immense possibilities before it. It does not want to lose it. We don’t share. Now we exchange our feelings. Mediated through a colourful maze of language we exchange our feelings. Feelings that are primitive, feelings that are pre mordial, feelings that come creating turbulences or feelings that go without causing even a small ripple. And we try to understand this polymorphous essence of human life through syntactical frames of non essential words. I felt happy. I was sorry. I felt just like anything. Hey you know it was a strange feeling and I have no word to express that. What was her problem? She stood there, looking away from everything. Only six or seven yards away but two individuals in complete isolation. And then she turned. “Do you know the story of that bee couple, Ramesh?” he looked at her face. Might be trying to recollect. She continued. They were great lovers. Always engrossed in each other. And one day the male asked his beloved, “Do you love as much as I love you?” she replied in yes. They remained silent for some time. Then she said, “ I love you more that anything.” Suddenly the facial expression changed and ramesh looked confused. But it was the story. This time she turned to ramesh and loked into his eyes. “ the male bee asked her to give its test. They agreed on a test. Who brings the lotus nectar the earliest! It was settled. Next morn...” suddenly ramesh caught the narrative. “ yeah, i remember ti now. It’s the same story in which the female bee dies.” Ramesh brought the end in a single shot. She gave a detatched smile. Probably she understood that ramesh was impatient with her slow movement. Or , may be, he was not interested in the story.lack of suspense might also be a reason behind this kind of response. Or wa s it like some bitter syrup that he immediately finished? She remained silent for sometime. Then she resumed her narration. “even before the sun bathed the eastern horizon with its first vermilion hue or the moon departed like a dejected lover, he went to the pond and sat near the lotus which was yet to open after a night long slumber. He was the best lover. The beloved was nowhere around. He was just musing upon the immensity of his love. The pride of returning more than he received. A strange reciprocation. Finally the sun peeped over the horizon and its rays fell on the sleeping beauties. The whole nature appeared like a beloved who has adorned herself the whole night and now is rushing into her beloved’s fold. The bee sat beside the lotus. Wating it to open. With the soft touch of the sunlight the lotus opened its eyes. Like some amorous beloved. The petals moving with eternity in their eyes. The bee was getting impatient. What if his beloved also comes before it fully opens. Just one more circle and it was over. He was already up in air. His heart was hard to contain when he got a glimpse of that magical nectar. Dancing he descended. Every nectar bore witness to his love. Every nectar was his love token. But there was something more lying. In the thick of those magical nectars. He had to rush. But the curiosity was overwhelming. Who can be there even earlier than him? Some rival? Lost? And he had reached where the answer was waiting. It was his love. It was his beloved. Lying dead in the middle of those tokens of love.” She looked at him. Now he had to respond again. “yes, actually she had come before the night fell and started collecting her token of love. And suddenly the lotus petals closed. Suffocation killed her.” She took a deep breathe as he finished his formally compulsory response. “yes, suffocatoin kiled her. Love can survive only within itself. Beyond it lies its death. There is some cosmic conspiracy. Everytime love has to venture out to prove itself. You see, dont you. Love dies for its life.” She laughed. Its hollowness drilled into him and spiralled down into some yet untouched depth. It had someting that brought further gloom on his face. “ what a paradox! Love dies for its life.” She took a long sigh. Ramesh dropped his eyes.

Silence reigned there for next few minutes. Ramesh had sat on a chair. His face bore a dilemma. He expected a reasonable explanation or excuse. But here was none. Her offering no explanation or excuse made his position quite vulnerable. His straight posture had arched at the back as he sat in the chair. She had come nearer. “don’t think that i am hostile to you. love is not some chemical bonding that some catalyst could change its very nature. It’s not some material philosophy that understands yes or no. Love is permanent. Its realization could be in various forms. my feelings are still the same for you. it’s just that i am going for a greater love. My love for” ...suddenly ramesh looked into her eyes. Shocked into stone he was. She continued and the calm on her face looked sublime. “ the pristine form of love. I can not disgrace my love by defending it. I can not be so selfish. I can not be ...” a sudden break in her speech betrayed the inner turmoil raging her heart. A pain appeared on ramesh’s face. He stretched his hand to touch her shoulder. To comfort her. But he felt her sailing away into the deep ocean, in her small boat with an entire universe of love, and he standing at the shore extending his arm, unable to muster enough courage to follow the now gradually drowning trail. He felt a tide rising in the depth of the ocean. She will be drowned. The tide riding higher and higher. fishes flying in air spreading their fins like wings. He felt his limbs shaking. A fear chilled his spine. His mind had started growing dark. He felt the high tide pressing on him, dragging his feet, his body, his soul. Tide, the monstrous tide. His arms were still stretched. Some hope that could come in his clutch and save him from this devouring tide. she was nowhere. Gone in her small boat. Beyond that tide perhaps. . A sudden movement in her shoulder broke the spell. She suddenly remembered something. Putting his hand away, she moved towards the kitchen. Ramesh wondered what she was doing. And she returned with tea. “would you like to have something with it?” he just sat, watching her making tea. She knew he did not take much sugar. Just strong liquor and a little milk. He was looking at the spoon that moved, pressed between her fingers, in his cup. The ring that connected them was nowhere. The ring that he gave her as his token of love. It was there. Wrapped in a small piece of paper. Paper that bore his mark. Paper that bore testimony to their love, and now, how ironical, of its demise. His first love letter. “ the rose you gave me has dried, pressed between the pages of the diary that had our names written over it. Its fragrance has spread through the pages, the days and the dates. Hope you wont mind me keeping them.” Slowly she stood. Holding the cup in his hand Ramesh was looking at the tranquillity of her face. Storm was raging inside. “Please shut the door when leaving.” Ramesh had put down the cup. He stood with his eyes fixed upon her back as she had turned towards the wall in the opposite. He took a deep breathe. Suddenly his lips parted. But words deserted him. Probably he had found no expression within the realm of language. Slowly he crossed her. Eyes cast down. Paused near the door for few moments. Looked back at her. She stood stone, looking into some unknown depth. Only if she had returned back. Only if she had understood his repentance. He begged fate for at least once. Yes, only if he had understood her. he stepped out. The road opened like the wide mouth of a monstrous adder and he entered it. It was all dark and he was groping his way. Only once. He was begging.