confab

Love
“Dear Disha,
I hope this letter reaches you and finds you in great comfort. I am knocking the blind doors in the furnace of my inconsequential repentance. I tried hard not to bother you. I can imagine the condition you may be in. But all proved futile. I can not convince myself of itself. That stormy night drained myself out of me. My predicament is that I can not blame anyone but myself for all that. I find myself unable to love me without you being my soul. But I am not a stone hearted murderer who kills his soul first and then other lives. Think me as a fool. I broke the pearl to test its purity. And now the broken pieces have scattered and lost. They are still shining. I did not see the beauty; I was examining its worth. I admit that I was an undeserving fool. But think of the punishment. The pieces are still shining. I am craving for them. But they have stuck with my shadow. My shadow that always follows me in the light but deserts me in the moments of darkness. I search for the pearl pieces. I crave for some light. But it has gone with the shadow. The shadow that is believed to be inseparable. Whom to blame! The pearl pieces or the shadow! Neither is wrong. It was just a moment. The moment possessed me and see what it has done. I lost you, I have lost myself. And now I want to hold it and turn it back. But its slippery form doesn’t allow me any grasp. Hope has kept me alive. Hope makes me desperate. Hope gives me the fear of hopelessness. See what life has become. Treading a dreary path, carrying the immense burden of betrayal. But I was just too ignorant to know the consequences. What else one can expect from someone who learns ‘love’ as a word! Since the childhood days I have seen love in its material manifestation. Mother loved with food. Father loved with other things. Some one else with something else. But every time this love appeared as something. How could I have known it if love never appeared before me as itself? I knew the icons of love. I understood the icons but missed the love. For me a hearty bye was love. For me a meticulously prepared dinner was love. For me a kiss and return kiss was love. See I knew all the conventions. Only I missed the love. I was ignorant of love. Disha, I have spent my life in the poverty of opulence. Every corner filled with something. Every side decorated with something. Every emptiness filled with a new gift. I never grew up but remained a child. And suddenly one day the child started feeling a lack that made him to grow. He was told that this emptiness is just too personal. His search began. His search for love. Only love can get love. But how love is exchanged! Through gifts. Through cards. These were the only methods I knew. Archie’s was my angel of love. Nirulas and McDonalds were the temples of romance. A night long stay was the acme of love. And then if I felt any emptiness, I lit a cigarette. I still don’t know whether it was just a myth or some truth. Post-sex cigarette took me to the height where I felt floating. For me that was the best experience of love. There were different episodes but meaning remained the same. But that night has changed my world. an Emptiness has engulfed my whole existence. You have made me to realize love. And once knowing this true love has nullified all the love I got so far. My whole existence seems vacuous. What had filled all the emptiness in my life was nothing but illusion, lie, deception. Now I want to substantiate myself with true love. Love that you have taught me. Please come back and be my guru, my path and my companion. See the bee is still around that lotus. Flying around. Dancing and singing the dirge of his lost beloved. He has understood the true meaning of love. It goes beyond the material existence. Love has an existence of its own. Love is the space of immortality. love is an eternal celebration of itself. I entreat you to put me through any expiation and cleanse the stains. Lead me to that celebration of love and together we will compose new harmonies and fresh celebrations. We will row together the dinghy into the depth of the never ending ocean. Let eternity be our destiny. Through the rising tides, sailing beyond it. Liberate me from the slavery of the shore. From the chains that I always believed to be my anchor. Saturated with the nectar of your love I want to sail free. Give me at least one drop and let me fuse myself with that, with you, with love. Sailing from this momentary and incomplete shore to the eternal and complete horizon, we will realize our oneness. I want to experience that oneness with love. See destiny awaits us.
Waiting for you,
The culprit of your love
The child of your love
The seeker of your love